An ode to discretion

I love when it rains for several days in a row. I hate that vulnerability is becoming harder with age. I love my dog more than I love myself. I would die for her just so she could spend more time digging & sunbathing. I hate my armpits, even when I was 98 pounds at age 25, I hated them. The first 45 seconds of Robbers by The 1975 will stop me in my tracks and transport me somewhere else. I love my friends, and I constantly worry I’m not doing enough to show them that I do. I despise yelling. It makes me nauseous. If I have children I hope I never learn to yell without getting nauseous. I love cooking and eating and reading too far into ingredient labels. It’s one of the only ways I truly connect with my body. I also love French fries dipped in mayo. I love old, used books, especially the ones whose pages have been spilled on and dried to a crinkly texture. I hate driving. I hate being a pedestrian at a four-way stop. Don’t fucking start pulling into the intersection when I’m halfway through the fucking crosswalk. Pedestrians have the fucking right of way. I have road rage but only when I’m walking. I have nightmares, often, but they’re usually so outlandish that my subconscious catches on quickly. I love red wine 12 months out of the year. I wish I could go one day without thinking about death. Today I almost did, but then I started writing that sentence about my dog. While we’re on the subject, I hope everyone I love is able to die with a deep understanding of themselves and no regrets about what they did or didn’t do. I wish everyone would overshare a little more often so that less people feel so alone. When did I become this shy about my feelings? I suppose around the time ‘discretion’ and ‘decorum’ became part of my vocabulary. Fuck decorum. Sometimes I want to feel everything out loud. I love this stupid gigantic planet and everybody on it. Before we're ready, every single one of us is going to be dead, including the planet. And I know it's far too late for me to be remembered as discrete.